Post: Summa Cum Crazy
So I decide to go on a date with this guy who has a totally normal profile with very good-looking photos, has sent several nice, normal emails, and even gave me his full name. Upon Google search, I discover no scary things and, on his work bio, that he's apparently smart and hardworking- summa cum laude from a very prominent university. impressive! He chose a nice place for our date and was very polite in making the arrangements. All promising signs.
We meet for lunch. He looks nothing like his photos. Apparently he has gained 50 lbs but hasn't noticed this about himself. In person, his facial features also appeared distorted, and his complexion was a blotchy mess. I was disappointed, but still hopeful that we would have a nice time anyway. Nope. He may be book smart, but it is immediately evident that he is also certifiably socially retarded. Our "conversation" consists of him lecturing me on ancient religions and mythology and describing to me in painful detail of his aspiring poetry and science-fiction writing career. He has written a novel set in 2084, which is a play on Orwell's "1984". Mmm Hmm. I shit you not. It was painful, but little did I know, the worst was yet to come.
He had asked me on the phone when planning the date if I would want to take a walk after our lunch and I had told him that sounded nice, so then I felt like I couldn't back out of it. Then, as we begin our walk through the popular and crowded outdoor mall, he takes a hold of my hand! Inappropriate!! SHIT. What can I do? I want to vomit, but I can't say to him, Gross! let go of my hand, I don't like you! So I had to go on, walking hand-in-hand with him, silently announcing to all of the passers-by that "we are a happy couple". I was so certain that I would run into someone I knew, and that it would be especially mortifying like my crush from work or my ex with his hot new girlfriend or something. I wished I could saw my arm off. I wondered, could I outrun him if I just took off? I'm in heels... but he's kinda fat. hrmm. Thankfully, the walk mercifully came to an end.
Later on, I felt kind of guilty that I had been so repulsed. I thought, he actually seemed like a nice person... So, when he texted that night to ask me out again, I tried to be kind in politely rejecting him. Here is an excerpt of our exchange:
Me: "hey... thanks I had a nice time but I just don't think that we're a "match""
Him: "thats ok. any reason?"
Me: "I just didn't feel a spark I guess."
Him: "thats ok. maybe you can find a nice tribal hubby when you go on your trip to Africa."
Me: "um, haha....okay, maybe so... thanks again and best of luck"
Him: "just one question. why didn't you offer to pay for half?"
-Mis-Staken & Friend :)
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