Let me introduce to you my future husband...

I think I have fallen in love.  Please read the profile below:

"Live a good life. If there are Gods, and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are Gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no Gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memory of your loved ones"
-Marcus Aurelius

I'm Juan. Mama's boy. Nurse. Dork. Fitness junkie. Philosopher-in-training. Sports fanatic. Video gamer. Knowledge seeker. Yoda understudy. Fabio double. Just an average guy looking to make new friends, or dare I say, meet the one.

I moved here a couple months ago to start a nursing job in drug rehabilitation. Love what I do, and I'm extremely passionate about drugs, as awkward as that sounds. Working on going back to school to also get a masters in business, with the hopes of opening up drug rehab centers.... That's the plan anyway

My fitness defines me and is a huge part of who I am. I regularly run Memorial park, getting ready for a couple marathons in the near future(San Fran July 30th, Maui September 29th). I'm also in a basketball league. I wear #26, symbolic of marathons, lol.

I think intelligence is the most amazing characteristic anyone can have, followed by a great personality.

I'm here to meet new people. Its difficult being the new guy on the block. Hopefully I can meet some interesting people. I think love comes from the most unpredictable of places and is usually never planned, however I am open to the idea of a relationship, should the right one come along. 


If you think I have truly fallen in love then apparently you have not read enough of my blog.  This is what I have gathered from this fools profile:
1) "Mama's Boy" - aka he still lives at home.  I know this because he has pics with his mom all over his profile.
2) "Philosopher-in-training" - Well ok Aristotle, student of Plato, what makes you say you're a philosopher? Can you even read?  Nichomachean Ethics anyone? Bueller?  Your philosophy most likely comes from Mitch Hedburg.
3) "Video Gamer" - Ok gentlemen in the audience: if you enjoy video games, that is fine.  But don't freely admit it until after you've started dating the chick.  It's a total turn off (but if the girl already loves you, she'll overlook it if you're lucky)
3) "Knowledge Seeker" - we already know you are trying to be smart, Einstein.
4) Yoda Understudy - What does this even mean? That you can switch up sentences?  Fucking idiot, you are.
5) Drug rehabilitation- aka he used to do drugs.  Don't even deny it.  And since he won't allow himself to take them anymore he probably obsesses about what other people get to experience.  That is not normal.  All of a sudden a girl is white girl wasted on the dance floor and Dr. Drew is all up and analyzing her and shit before he brings her home.
5) Being #26 in basketball - Glad you know what symbolism is Thoreau.  Lol.
6) And the best part of this Muchacho - his profile picture:

I swear to God I did not alter this.  This is his Profile Picture!!!

Here's another one for kicks:

Seems more like the Hulk than a philosopher.  Or The Situation - except we can call him - The Non-Occurence cause this ain't happenin!!

Buckle Up

So my one month subscription ended today - and I legitimately was going to cancel. BUT then Match threw out this "3 months for the price of one" deal - and I was like, I think I could continue with the entertainment until October/my blog would succeed.  SO BUCKLE UP BITCHES- we're going to re-vamp the profile, make me sound like a skank, and watch le shitshow ensue!!

The profile picture

Here is a collection of my favorite profile pictures.  The best is when they are pictures of themselves that they took with their go phone.  Self portraits with cell phones are NEVER acceptable unless: 1) someone else is in the picture with you 2) you are taking a picture to send to a family member (point in case: to show a new hairdo) or 3) when sexting (if you're into that sort of thing).

Please enjoy:

Listen up yell-leader, you took a picture of yourself in your bathroom.  Is that your hand in your pocket or are you just excited to see your reflection?

I REALLY like the fact that this guy put a note "I removed the proof that  took a picture of myself in the mirror :)".  Really glad you did that chief.  Except you have a mullet and you took a picture of yourself with a mirror.

Glamour shot with fido.  It's one thing for a girl to do it- it's kinda weird when a guy does it.  I mean, he is cute - but that is his profile picture. Weird.

This guy wants to make sure the ladies know he can afford a 3 series convertible BMW and that he can take it on top of his apartment garage (which happens to be City Vista).  If you were a big timer you wouldn't live in an apartment, chief.

Having this as a profile pictures is just asking for crazy people to message you. He looks like football Jesus, but with his shirt off.

Why on earth would you post a picture where you look like an alien? Ladies, can you imagine this on top of you? Gross.

Ok this guy is actually hot.  But the fact that he took a picture of himself automatically disqualified himself.

-Mis-Staken

The Mall Stalker

Well I received a very interesting e-mail today.  This guy has chatted me before and I didn't respond.  Apparently I run through his mind because i received this:

Let the beat build

So I'm an idiot. 

I was walking around the mall looking for some new running shoes, no big deal. As I'm walking by a store, I look in and see a shirt with lsutiger on it. Then I think to myself, "Why is your screen name on a t shirt?" I look at the shirt a second time and realize, ohhhh....it's LSU Tigers. 

When I first saw your profile I was thinking Sutiger was your last name, and L was your first initial. It never occurred to me that's not at all what it is....shut up.

 *My screen name is lsutiger or something I honestly don't even remember.

Anyway- what an idiot.  Match needs to create an IQ test as part of the screening process.

-Mis-Staken

I'm not the only one

So a friend of mine shared a match blog she had started when she began the adventure of match dating. It's absolutely hysterical and I am honestly sad she is too scared to post her material - so I will do it for her.  This is completely unedited - it's all written by my darling friend:

Post: Summa Cum Crazy

So I decide to go on a date with this guy who has a totally normal profile with very good-looking photos, has sent several nice, normal emails, and even gave me his full name. Upon Google search, I discover no scary things and, on his work bio, that he's apparently smart and hardworking- summa cum laude from a very prominent university. impressive! He chose a nice place for our date and was very polite in making the arrangements. All promising signs.

We meet for lunch. He looks nothing like his photos. Apparently he has gained 50 lbs but hasn't noticed this about himself. In person, his facial features also appeared distorted, and his complexion was a blotchy mess. I was disappointed, but still hopeful that we would have a nice time anyway. Nope. He may be book smart, but it is immediately evident that he is also certifiably socially retarded. Our "conversation" consists of him lecturing me on ancient religions and mythology and describing to me in painful detail of his aspiring poetry and science-fiction writing career. He has written a novel set in 2084, which is a play on Orwell's "1984". Mmm Hmm. I shit you not. It was painful, but little did I know, the worst was yet to come.

He had asked me on the phone when planning the date if I would want to take a walk after our lunch and I had told him that sounded nice, so then I felt like I couldn't back out of it. Then, as we begin our walk through the popular and crowded outdoor mall, he takes a hold of my hand! Inappropriate!! SHIT. What can I do? I want to vomit, but I can't say to him, Gross! let go of my hand, I don't like you! So I had to go on, walking hand-in-hand with him, silently announcing to all of the passers-by that "we are a happy couple". I was so certain that I would run into someone I knew, and that it would be especially mortifying like my crush from work or my ex with his hot new girlfriend or something. I wished I could saw my arm off. I wondered, could I outrun him if I just took off? I'm in heels... but he's kinda fat. hrmm. Thankfully, the walk mercifully came to an end.

Later on, I felt kind of guilty that I had been so repulsed. I thought, he actually seemed like a nice person... So, when he texted that night to ask me out again, I tried to be kind in politely rejecting him. Here is an excerpt of our exchange:

Me: "hey... thanks I had a nice time but I just don't think that we're a "match""

Him: "thats ok. any reason?"

Me: "I just didn't feel a spark I guess."

Him: "thats ok. maybe you can find a nice tribal hubby when you go on your trip to Africa."

Me: "um, haha....okay, maybe so... thanks again and best of luck"

Him: "just one question. why didn't you offer to pay for half?"

-Mis-Staken & Friend :)

It's just too funny not to...

...show you the pics of my fellow suitors.  I was super cautious about it in the beginning, but I figure as long as I don't share their names it shouldn't be a big deal.  Oh and by the way, dragon-ball-z tattoo freak TEXTED ME after our conversation.  Two days later I received a "Hey". I was super tempted to respond "oh hey Pikachu hows it going", but I realized he had my real number and I already made a massive mistake giving him my number in the first place.

Without further ado, here are pictures of what this cat has dragged out of the awful match-bag:

Oh hayyy cowboy fan. No.

I just don't understand the expression on his face.  You can tell he is holding a child, but he looks like he is super awkward and uncomfortable.  And who seriously wears sheepskin coats, much less with white-tees?  

This guy is from another post as well (oh yeah sign me up).  In the top pictures- he looks like he belongs in the jersey shore.  GTL anyone?  But what really "gets" me is his second pic, which also serves as his profile pictures.  He looks: confused, constipated, high, stupid, and ridiculous all in one.

You animal you.

I'd rather date the dog.

I feel like this Texans fan and the Cowboy fan are besties.

And for the GRAND FINALE: ROMEO:

This my friends, is the "Romeo" i referred to in an early post.  In the flesh.  Now that you can put a face to a name, doesn't it just make reading his e-mail THAT much better? How could you NOT want to date this man in a shiny suit with a lavender vest/tie ensemble?  Mmmmmhmmmm.

-Mis-Staken

Dr. Love

I actually received this one a while back before I began the blog, but this one is pretty funny.  Background: this guy claims to be a neuro-surgeon and has pictures of himself in surgery on his page.  Ok Dr. Douchelord Here is the first e-mail I received from Dr. Love:


Hey I just read your profile and found it quite interesting that you are an accountant. You must love your job since you don't consider it boring.

With you being really pretty, I'm sure you get a lot of messages from guys every day (that's a good thing!).

I'm Gary. I used to live in Houston till high school and just got back in town after completing my residency from UCLA (Univ. of California Los Angeles). I'm a neurosurgeon and I'm usually working at the hospital. Sometimes it's hard to meet fun people. I am always up for meeting someone new and having a great conversation and having a blast. I'm a pretty fun guy in person. I like lift weights almost every day. I'm down for most things, pool, salsa dancing (I'm pretty smooth, can you keep up?), movies, outdoors, concerts, museums, etc. But I am also traditional, family guy and conservative (in certain things).

In fact, the nurses think I'm the craziest doctor they have seen (don't worry they mean it in a good way. I'm good to my patients!). I once salsa danced (just light steps) with a patient before surgery to calm her nerves!

I'm interested in meeting and learning more about you. Maybe we can hang out sometime this week. Looking forward to hearing back from you.

Now, I was telling my friend who is also on match about this winner, and we realized he sent her the exact same e-mail (except he tweaked the first paragraph to make it personalized).  Well, I found this to be unacceptable, and since he was a tool anyway, I decided to respond:

Hey-

Just some advice, you may want to change up your e-mails a bit more considering you sent one of my friends basically the exact same e-mail.

Also, if a girl doesn't know what UCLA is, she's a fucking moron.

Cheers and good luck, chief.


Some men will never learn.

-Mis-Staken

The Surprise Attack

So I actually decided to give one guy my number on match.  He seemed super normal.  He was even kinda nerdy.  He had a "Keep Calm and Chive on" t-shirt, which is pretty geeky.  He was clean cut - short dark hair, blue eyes, and had very normal pictures.  He is an engineer, and well-traveled.  So I figured "ok maybe there are some normal people on here". WRONG.

The first day he texted me we had a normal conversation.  He said he had a cat which is kind of weird but I overlooked it because at least he was an animal lover, and his cat was named after the best rapper alive (Weezy).

Well, late the second day of texting, he asks if I like tattoos.  I replied not particularly, and he says oh.  I asked if he had any and he said "just two little guys" - and then i received this picture (note: I cropped his head out because I don't want to get sued or something):

So here is our text convo after I receive the picture (note: I wasn't sure if it was him because in this picture his hair was longer, so I thought it was a joke - my text is in white, his is in blue).

And boom goes the dynamite.  I'm still really proud of the "Pokemon" comment.  Who wakes up one morning and goes "hmm, I think I am going to get two cartoonish mythological dragons on both of my shoulders in permanent ink".  This would potentially be acceptable if he was twelve-and-a-half when he got them! I feel completely blind sided by Dragon-Ball-Z loser, yet it's hysterical.

-Mis-Staken

The Eager Beaver

I received this diamond yesterday:

Hello, How are you doing?
My name is Beaver and I'm really interested in starting a real conversation with you.
I'm waiting for your reply.
Thanks

1) Please define "a real conversation".   I mean, this seems pretty demanding.  Considering he has a terrorist like name, this could be serious.  Do I look like a mail-order bride? You got the wrong country bucko.  What if I want a fake conversation, beaver?
2) Don't hold your breath.  You will never hear from me.
3) This was on his about me section:

 

Hello! Thanks for visiting my profile. My friends would describe me as a a hard worker, easy going, funny, caring, genuine, reliable, loyal friend and hard worker. I‘m a family oriented man. I grew up over seas and would like to do some more traveling out of the country and road trips.

 

         a) It's "overseas" - but basically this just tells me that you're a foreigner.           b) No one cares what your friends say. I want to know what your enemies would say - or                
someone you don't get along with. Friends always say nice things.  What do people you've             pissed off say?  Mine would probably say I'm a bitch.  Which is what every girl calls another girl they dislike.  It's not really an "ouch" in my opinion.


I have an old post I'm going to dig up - get excited.


-Mis-Staken

Oh yeah. Sign me up.

So match has these things called "e-mail filters" on your inbox.  Basically, if someone does not meet your set standards (not that any of these guys pay attention to them), match will start moving the men who don't meet the stated "cut" to a filtered inbox.  Thankfully, I check this box more than my un-filtered mail, so I don't miss ANYTHING.

Latest  filtered e-mail received today:

Wow your a cutie :) Love that blonde hair and those blue eyes. How do you like living in Rice village? I almost moved there, but decided on the galleria instead.

First of all, I really wish I could post this guys picture.  He has the expression of confusion, drugged, constipated, and the want to look sexy all in one.  I mean, he has really mastered this expression.  I am sure it took a lot of practice in the mirror which is most likely right next to his bed, if not on his ceiling.

Next note, I NEVER said once on my profile where I lived.  So where he is getting his mis-information, I am not sure.  Maybe he decided I look like a girl that lives in Rice Village?  I am kind of freaked out - good thing I live 15 minutes away.

Also, I don't care where you live. Because you're a giant douche. Kthanks.

-MisStaken