Here is a selection of e-mails I have received this week:
AdventureE:I want a sexy woman from Louisiana
-Note: He is a 37 year old fat guido who lives 4 hours away. Seriously?
InsertNameHere: What the hell is your problem?? Why do you insist on staying here on earth when you belong in heaven with the rest of the angels? Yes that was very lame but I just wanted to get your attention. Hi I'm Josh. How are you?
-Note: Josh is in no way, shape (certainly not), or form attractive. He is also a divorcee - which would be fine if he were attractive. But he's not. He is 32, large, and in charge (but obviously not of his eating habits).
IamnotSmoothatAll: There for a second you had me worried because I figured everyone from the south was a coonass. Lol
-Note: He is 30, he offended me, AND he used "lol". Sick.
I'm not going to even comment anymore...but I receive these daily. Do they seriously expect a response?
-MisStaken
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
The Date Rager
The date rager is probably on steroids. He is quite pushy and forward and just REALLY WANTS TO GO ON A DATE. He basically will shove a tube down your throat to make you eat because he just WANTS TO GO ON A DATE.
First e-mail:
Hey I don't really know how this works but I would like to take you out for a drink and get to know you better.
I see this and I'm like what the hell - I don't even know you. So I go to his profile to find out a little bit about him, and make sure he isn't a serial killer. He has barely filled out his profile, and has ONE picture.
So I respond:
I'm still figuring this out too. Tell me a little bit about yourself- what do you like to do for fun, where did you go, etc. I just need to make sure you're not a serial killer or complete psycho.
He reponds:
Haha I completely understand, I enjoy being outdoors, hunting, fishing, bike riding ect and I got my degree from Texas A&M in business. I now live in Houston and work in the exporting industry. Let me know if you're free some time I would like to take you out for dinner and maybe a drink.
My thoughts:
1) He sucks at grammar. He should double check himself before he e-mails someone. Hello- just TRY to impress me.
2) He went to A&M. This could be ok- but there is the chance that he is one of those OBNOXIOUS fans that I just can't handle.
3) Exporting industry? This sounds sketchy. Exporting what - bodies of ladies who you went out with on match.com? That's like me saying I'm in accounting when I actually do accounting for drug lords in Columbia. Details people.
4) You have already made it clear that you want me to drink and eat. Which is nice. Except it's very Christian Grey foreceful (yes 50 Shades of Grey reference- which is a terrible novel- but I'm just making a point here).
This guy is just out of control. I can see myself lying in a ditch somehwere while he exports my vital organs to a foreign countries black market. No thanks.
Stay tuned for the Pompous Ass(es - because there are multiple).
-MisStaken
First e-mail:
Hey I don't really know how this works but I would like to take you out for a drink and get to know you better.
I see this and I'm like what the hell - I don't even know you. So I go to his profile to find out a little bit about him, and make sure he isn't a serial killer. He has barely filled out his profile, and has ONE picture.
So I respond:
I'm still figuring this out too. Tell me a little bit about yourself- what do you like to do for fun, where did you go, etc. I just need to make sure you're not a serial killer or complete psycho.
He reponds:
Haha I completely understand, I enjoy being outdoors, hunting, fishing, bike riding ect and I got my degree from Texas A&M in business. I now live in Houston and work in the exporting industry. Let me know if you're free some time I would like to take you out for dinner and maybe a drink.
My thoughts:
1) He sucks at grammar. He should double check himself before he e-mails someone. Hello- just TRY to impress me.
2) He went to A&M. This could be ok- but there is the chance that he is one of those OBNOXIOUS fans that I just can't handle.
3) Exporting industry? This sounds sketchy. Exporting what - bodies of ladies who you went out with on match.com? That's like me saying I'm in accounting when I actually do accounting for drug lords in Columbia. Details people.
4) You have already made it clear that you want me to drink and eat. Which is nice. Except it's very Christian Grey foreceful (yes 50 Shades of Grey reference- which is a terrible novel- but I'm just making a point here).
This guy is just out of control. I can see myself lying in a ditch somehwere while he exports my vital organs to a foreign countries black market. No thanks.
Stay tuned for the Pompous Ass(es - because there are multiple).
-MisStaken
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Curiosity confirmed the cat
Match.com. We've all ridiculed it. We've all seen the cheesy commercials. We've all dismissed it. But at some point in your twenties you decide to "try it out". I have fallen victim to this trifle. After toiling and contemplating and going back and forth, I finally gave in. "Fine- I'll give it one month. It can't hurt" (famous last words).
I knew there would be strange-beings on this imaginary thing called the "internet" (or "web of lies"). But basically, since my three days of membership, I've been able to categorize the various persona of the men in the dating world.
First, let me begin by showing you my "intro" - so you know what I have put out there for people to judge me by:
I am a fun-loving outgoing person who enjoys meeting new people and doing random things around Houston. I am ambitious, smart, and am pretty funny, for a girl. I say most things that are on my mind because I don't believe in changing my opinions for someone, however, I know there is a time and a place for everything and know when to hold my tongue. I am very open, so if you have any questions, feel free to ask. I was raised mainly in Louisiana, so I love the South and most things associated with it. I hold myself to a high standard, yet I don't believe in "5-year plans" because things can change in an instant. I am looking to meet someone who makes me want to be a better person, yet is spontaneous and fun. I appreciate genuine, honest people. I love gentlemen, and expect doors to be held. I appreciate someone who has a good work-ethic and is driven. I think it's ok to not know what you want to be when you "grow up", as long as you know where you are going for the time being. I guess my "type" would be a man who can go hunting in the morning, and put on a bow-tie later that evening (meaning he is outdoorsy, yet can dress up when I need him to). I tend to like "preppy" guys- bow ties always win me over.
Now, on to the various personalities:
I. The desperate lover - This man is the epitome of pathetic, mixed with romance. He pines for his internet Juliet, and writes a very descriptive profile to prove it. He send e-mails like this one (no I did not make this up):
How are you doing. I am doing great and I bless God for been so faithful. I read your profile and viewed your photos. I like every I read on your profile. This is not sugar coating!. Good Lord, You are so beautiful and pretty with cute eyes. Am new to the online dating but I have to start some where. I will like to tell me you few things about myself and all you need to know.
My name is Romeo and live in Houston. I moved from MD. am a gentleman to the fullest and am very romantic, full of chemistry and have good sense of humor. I love kissing my woman forhead and I will always put a smile on her face, make her laugh and feel like a real woman. I will cherish her, cares for her, pamper her, spoil her, respect her and love her unconditional . I will be faithful and honest to her. Am God fearing man and my relationship with God is very important because I was brought in a good Christian home. Am a man that know who I am and what I want out of life. I love to laugh and make my woman laugh and have fun. I believe communication and understanding is the only key to a good relationship.
No body is perfect so am not looking for a perfect match. presently am unattached to any woman and interested in starting up a good friendship and build it into good relationship. Am looking for a woman that will be my soul mate, my best friend and my sister.I'm seeking a serious long term relationship that we end up with a woman who is romantic, loving and caring . Am looking for a woman to be my beat friend, my lover, my soulmate and my woman. Looking for a woman who like to laugh and have fun. I look forward in reading from you and I am online, maybe we can chat for a while. Take very good care of yourself and God bless you real good.
Here's the problem with Romeo:
A) The fact that you took the TIME to write me this pathetic e-mail makes me ignore you just by looking at the massive quantities of text you have sent me. Do you seriously think I am going to read a novel? Don't think so.
B) The Romeos NEVER look at what you're interested in. They cling to this hope that they can woo any lady by their third grade typing abilities and the passion they exude in their match.com e-mail. They also love to "wink" at the woman in pursuit, hoping, grasping, waiting, for her to "wink" back. They don't care if you say no to: divorce, tattooes, piercings, smoking, kids, or race. Romeo thinks he has a fucking shot. GET REAL.
C) Romeos are not smart. At all. As you can see from the example above, the grammar, spelling, and conversation lack intellect. The highest of graduates have a GED. I honestly find it surprising that they can afford a $40/month website at all. Kudos- or are you stealing it from your child's allowance?
II. The smooth talker - This guy thinks his shit does not stink. He ALWAYS includes some reason of why he is on match.com "I just moved here (10 years ago)" "I can't find what I want so I thought I would give the internet a try" " I am ugly" (Note: this is never stated. It is just obvious due to lack of photos, or photos with ugly men portrayed in them). But these guys are confident - at least on the internet. The smooth talker loves to reference things you have written on your profile. Point in case:
Subject: Come here often?
I couldn't think of anything better to write for a subject. So it seemed appropriate.
First, let me say that your smile is amazing. It's a warm and happy one, and it's very pretty.
I think it's great that you say what's on your mind. Being straight forward and honest is something that I really value in any person, but especially a girl that I would like to be in a relationship with. I also agree with you that having a "5 year plan" is not really viable because things can change so fast. One of my favorite comedians has a great one liner about this subject..."A guy interviewed me for a job and said 'Where do you see yourself in 5 years?' and I said 'Celebrating the 5 year anniversary of you asking me this question!'"
I'm glad that you expect doors to be held for you. I went out on a date the other night where the girl I was with literally gave me the weirdest look because I opened the car door for her. I couldn't tell if she was offended or shocked.
I own a couple of bow ties and can almost completely tie them, but I need help with that last little part of finishing it off....care to be that girl?
A) Rico-Suave doesn't realize that regurgitating my profile is not impressive. He thinks that I appreciate that he is attentive to detail. In the words of the awful candian country singer "that don't impress me much". I mean, it's one thing to find a common ground, it's another to plagiarize a profile.
B) I don't want to be that girl because you are a douche, and the fact that you don't know how to tie a bow-tie means that I can't be seen in public with you.
C) They LOVE to compliment you. I mean, thanks and all- I appreciate it - but obviously there's an attraction if you're going to take the time to e-mail me. But, my smile is amazing. Check.
We have two personality types down, and more to go (including the date-rager, the pompous ass, etc.). Stay tuned friends.
-MisStaken
I knew there would be strange-beings on this imaginary thing called the "internet" (or "web of lies"). But basically, since my three days of membership, I've been able to categorize the various persona of the men in the dating world.
First, let me begin by showing you my "intro" - so you know what I have put out there for people to judge me by:
I am a fun-loving outgoing person who enjoys meeting new people and doing random things around Houston. I am ambitious, smart, and am pretty funny, for a girl. I say most things that are on my mind because I don't believe in changing my opinions for someone, however, I know there is a time and a place for everything and know when to hold my tongue. I am very open, so if you have any questions, feel free to ask. I was raised mainly in Louisiana, so I love the South and most things associated with it. I hold myself to a high standard, yet I don't believe in "5-year plans" because things can change in an instant. I am looking to meet someone who makes me want to be a better person, yet is spontaneous and fun. I appreciate genuine, honest people. I love gentlemen, and expect doors to be held. I appreciate someone who has a good work-ethic and is driven. I think it's ok to not know what you want to be when you "grow up", as long as you know where you are going for the time being. I guess my "type" would be a man who can go hunting in the morning, and put on a bow-tie later that evening (meaning he is outdoorsy, yet can dress up when I need him to). I tend to like "preppy" guys- bow ties always win me over.
Now, on to the various personalities:
I. The desperate lover - This man is the epitome of pathetic, mixed with romance. He pines for his internet Juliet, and writes a very descriptive profile to prove it. He send e-mails like this one (no I did not make this up):
How are you doing. I am doing great and I bless God for been so faithful. I read your profile and viewed your photos. I like every I read on your profile. This is not sugar coating!. Good Lord, You are so beautiful and pretty with cute eyes. Am new to the online dating but I have to start some where. I will like to tell me you few things about myself and all you need to know.
My name is Romeo and live in Houston. I moved from MD. am a gentleman to the fullest and am very romantic, full of chemistry and have good sense of humor. I love kissing my woman forhead and I will always put a smile on her face, make her laugh and feel like a real woman. I will cherish her, cares for her, pamper her, spoil her, respect her and love her unconditional . I will be faithful and honest to her. Am God fearing man and my relationship with God is very important because I was brought in a good Christian home. Am a man that know who I am and what I want out of life. I love to laugh and make my woman laugh and have fun. I believe communication and understanding is the only key to a good relationship.
No body is perfect so am not looking for a perfect match. presently am unattached to any woman and interested in starting up a good friendship and build it into good relationship. Am looking for a woman that will be my soul mate, my best friend and my sister.I'm seeking a serious long term relationship that we end up with a woman who is romantic, loving and caring . Am looking for a woman to be my beat friend, my lover, my soulmate and my woman. Looking for a woman who like to laugh and have fun. I look forward in reading from you and I am online, maybe we can chat for a while. Take very good care of yourself and God bless you real good.
Here's the problem with Romeo:
A) The fact that you took the TIME to write me this pathetic e-mail makes me ignore you just by looking at the massive quantities of text you have sent me. Do you seriously think I am going to read a novel? Don't think so.
B) The Romeos NEVER look at what you're interested in. They cling to this hope that they can woo any lady by their third grade typing abilities and the passion they exude in their match.com e-mail. They also love to "wink" at the woman in pursuit, hoping, grasping, waiting, for her to "wink" back. They don't care if you say no to: divorce, tattooes, piercings, smoking, kids, or race. Romeo thinks he has a fucking shot. GET REAL.
C) Romeos are not smart. At all. As you can see from the example above, the grammar, spelling, and conversation lack intellect. The highest of graduates have a GED. I honestly find it surprising that they can afford a $40/month website at all. Kudos- or are you stealing it from your child's allowance?
II. The smooth talker - This guy thinks his shit does not stink. He ALWAYS includes some reason of why he is on match.com "I just moved here (10 years ago)" "I can't find what I want so I thought I would give the internet a try" " I am ugly" (Note: this is never stated. It is just obvious due to lack of photos, or photos with ugly men portrayed in them). But these guys are confident - at least on the internet. The smooth talker loves to reference things you have written on your profile. Point in case:
Subject: Come here often?
I couldn't think of anything better to write for a subject. So it seemed appropriate.
First, let me say that your smile is amazing. It's a warm and happy one, and it's very pretty.
I think it's great that you say what's on your mind. Being straight forward and honest is something that I really value in any person, but especially a girl that I would like to be in a relationship with. I also agree with you that having a "5 year plan" is not really viable because things can change so fast. One of my favorite comedians has a great one liner about this subject..."A guy interviewed me for a job and said 'Where do you see yourself in 5 years?' and I said 'Celebrating the 5 year anniversary of you asking me this question!'"
I'm glad that you expect doors to be held for you. I went out on a date the other night where the girl I was with literally gave me the weirdest look because I opened the car door for her. I couldn't tell if she was offended or shocked.
I own a couple of bow ties and can almost completely tie them, but I need help with that last little part of finishing it off....care to be that girl?
A) Rico-Suave doesn't realize that regurgitating my profile is not impressive. He thinks that I appreciate that he is attentive to detail. In the words of the awful candian country singer "that don't impress me much". I mean, it's one thing to find a common ground, it's another to plagiarize a profile.
B) I don't want to be that girl because you are a douche, and the fact that you don't know how to tie a bow-tie means that I can't be seen in public with you.
C) They LOVE to compliment you. I mean, thanks and all- I appreciate it - but obviously there's an attraction if you're going to take the time to e-mail me. But, my smile is amazing. Check.
We have two personality types down, and more to go (including the date-rager, the pompous ass, etc.). Stay tuned friends.
-MisStaken
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